Cuisine, Part 2: Appetizers

"Ow!" was the pissed-off chimera's reply.

Finally, Zelgadis could take no more abuse. He smacked away the mazoku's hand and demanded: "What exactly do you have planned for me?"

"Honestly, Zel, you're so temperamental and distrustful." Xellos waved his pointer finger in a shame-on-you gesture. "Here it is, your birthday, and I'm putting forth an effort to be kind to you! All I'm going to do is serve you some delicious food... and some fine wine... And then some great sex," he added to himself."

"What?"

"Nothing."

"What'd you mutter?"

"Sore wa himitsu desu." They reached the door leading to the dining hall. "You're such a bear, Zel-chan."

"Shut up!"

The dining hall was big enough for a good-sized banquet. A few dozen round tables were scattered through the room, with enough space for waiters to weave between. The whole place was dark and all the tables were empty... except for one set in the corner. Several candles in silver candleholders were set up on it, as well as silverware for one. Two chairs straddled it on either side.

"Xellos... Where is the food?" Despite himself, he was getting hungry.

"Patience, Zel, patience." The bad priest led his prey to the table he'd set up, sat him down, and teleported away. Seconds later, he reappeared with a bottle of blood-red wine. "Bottled around the same time the last war between the gods occurred. A good year."

Zelgadis stared disbelievingly at the wine as it was poured into his goblet.

"Now, the actual meal will be ready in a few minutes. Until then, we've got the place to ourselves." He poured himself a goblet of wine. "So... what shall we talk about?"

"Why bother talking? It's not like you'll tell me the truth." He sniffed at the wine to make sure it wasn't vinegar.

"True. But talking will pass the time. Know any good jokes?"

"No." He wanted this whole ordeal to be over and done with. There was something about Xellos that made him even more uncomfortable in his own skin then he already was. He risked a taste of the wine, and was surprised to find that it was intoxicatingly delicious.

"I do! Would you like to hear one?"

"No."

"Why'd the chicken cross the road?"

"To get to the other side," Zel replied without being able to help it.

"Ha! You're quick! But do you know why the pervert crossed the road?"

"Do I want to know?"

"Probably not."

"Am I going to find out anyhow?"

"Most assuredly."

He sighed and took another drink. "Why?"

"He was having sex with the chicken."

Zelgadis sprayed out wine through his nose. He coughed harshly as the scent of alcohol burned his sinuses. "D-d-dammit, you fruitcake," he hacked, "you d-did that on p-purpose!"

Xellos was laughing as though it was Zel who had told a joke. "You would rather have been held in suspense?"

"I'd rather not have snorted wine."

"It was a new experience. You need new experiences now and again." He drank some of his wine. "C'mon, Zel. I know you know a joke. You've learned all those spells, surely a dirty tale lurks somewhere in that brain of yours?"

For an instant, Zelgadis drew a blank--but then, he actually had one. "OK, but if you tell anyone I told you this particular joke, I will Ra Tilt you out of existence."

Xellos made the Boy Scout gesture. "I swear."

"All right... Once upon a time, Prince Phil was going on a justice-seeking quest. But he was afraid that in his absence, the men of the kingdom would try to take advantage of his daughter, Amelia."

"Why?"

"I don't know."

He laughed hard. "Go on."

"Because of this fear, he got a magical device implanted into Amelia, so that if any man tried to have sex with her, it would chop off their, um, manhood."

"Aw, Zel! You're blushing!"

"Shut up!"

"I'm sorry, go ahead. This is interesting."

"Then keep it down. Anyhow, Prince Phil goes on his quest and returns a year later. He summons all the men of the castle into one big room. He approaches the first and says, 'Did you try to take advantage of my daughter?' 'No, milord', the guy replies. So Prince Phil--" he paused to drink some wine "--tells him to drop his pants. He does, and his manhood is gone. And Prince Phil pulls a Brotherly Love Smash and kills him instantly.

"Phil does the same thing to every man in the room, and every one of them is without their pride and joy. Finally, he reaches the last man. He asks him if he did anything to Amelia. The guy shakes his head, and drops his pants, and lo and behold, he's fully intact down there."

"No!"

"Yes! Prince Phil says, 'Thank the gods! At last, there is a truly honest man in my kingdom! Good sir, what is your name?'

"And the man replies, 'Aaaaaaoooouuu'."

Xellos stared for fifteen seconds. "He lost his tongue," he said carefully.

Zelgadis nodded, blushing a little.

The mazoku burst into laughter. He laughed so hard that he fell out of his chair and rolled on the ground, tears squeezing from his eyes. "Oh--my--gods--that--was--so--funny!" he stammered.

"Well, not that funny."

"I'm just trying to picture Prince Phil... and Amelia... L-sama, that's amusing!" He picked himself up from the ground. "Thank you, Zel-chan. I needed that. If you'll excuse me, I need to go fetch your dinner..." Still giggling, Xellos teleported off.

"Don't call me--never mind." He stared into his more-than-half-empty goblet. This was strange. He had never told a joke to anyone before, really--let alone one that graphic. The damned mazoku made him feel so uneasy and unsure with his teasing... And somehow, he could also make Zelgadis feel completely at home. Maybe it was the wine.

Yeah... the wine... he thought.

Xellos returned laden with trays of food. It was more than Zelgadis could possibly eat in one sitting. As the chimera's slitted eyes scanned the dishes that Xellos sat before him, he fought the urge to drool. Dragon sushi... dragon parmesan... dragon fillets... dragon kabobs... dragon Marcela... pepper dragon-steak... kung-pao dragon... and wontons and eggrolls full of dragon meat, to top it all off. "That smells divine," he said.

"Tastes that way too, I'm sure." After ridding himself of the trays, he sat down and gestured at Zelgadis. "Well? Don't be stupid, go ahead and eat!"

The chimera felt a little guilty about not being able to share with Xellos, until he reminded himself that mazoku prefer human misery to dragon cuisine. He picked up one of the kabobs, pulled a piece of dragon off it, and put it in his mouth.

Xellos watched intently as the shaman's eyes popped wide open. He's never had anything this good before, he thought. He watched as the chimera closed his eyes in simple ecstasy. He looked so... so stunned and pleased... it was starting to turn Xellos on. When Zelgadis flicked his tongue out to catch any crumbs on his lips, Xellos had to shove his entire fist into his mouth to keep from screaming.

Zel opened one eye curiously. "Are you all right?"

"Perfectly!" Since he was talking around his fist, it sounded like: "Her-heg-hee!"

"Why are you biting your fist?"

He removed it. "Sore wa himitsu desu. So what do you think of dragon meat? Is it too tough for you?"

"Are you joking? This is the most delicious thing I've ever put in my mouth."

"Yeah, well, I haven't gotten you in bed yet."

"Huh?"

"Not a thing."

"Is there any dessert?"

"Yeah, a big hunk of man-meat!"

"What?"

"Uh... I said... There isn't any."

"That doesn't sound like what you said."

"Have some more wine, Zel-chan," he said, pouring more into the other man's goblet.

"Don't call me that!

After the tale about Gourry, hockey, Zambinos and a swan, Zelgadis finally finished his meal. He kicked back in his chair, a look of utter contentment on his face, his eyes closed. He looked so pretty in the candlelight... The mazoku barely kept from climbing over the table and fucking Zel blind.

Without moving or opening his eyes, Zelgadis said: "I have to hand it to you, Xellos. I thought you had some sort of prank in store for me. I was convinced that the instant I walked in here, everyone would crowd around and start singing Happy Birthday. Or that you were going to drug my food and do unspeakable things to me--"

"Why didn't I think of that?!" Xel berated himself.

"What?"

"Sore wa--"

"Himitsu desu, I know. But I've actually enjoyed myself tonight. The food was fantastic, and you've been normal...well, sort of... all evening. This is the best birthday I've ever suffered through."

"Glad you liked it."

"In fact, there's just one problem."

"What?"

"I can't move."

"What?!"

"I can't move. I can't get out of my chair. I can move my neck a little, but other than that, I don't think I can even move a finger." His eyes snapped open. "What did you do to me, you fruitcake?"

"I haven't done a thing!" he protested. Then he recalled something the cook had mentioned. "Oh, wait, the meat was supposed to simmer for another month... Some of the paralyzing poison in the flesh might have lingered." He suddenly noticed that Zelgadis's eyes were glowing an interesting shade of crimson. He sweatdropped and put on his best charming smile. "Uh, heh-heh-heh... Oops?"

"'OOPS'?!" Zelgadis thundered. Plates and silverware rattled on the table. "YOU PARALYZE ME AND YOU SAY 'OOPS'?! THIS IS A LITTLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN 'OOPS', YOU GODDAM MAZOKU!!"

"I'm sorry! I completely forgot about it! Besides, I thought you'd be tough enough to process the poison--"

"YOU KNEW! YOU PLANNED THIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY TRUSTED YOU! FUCKIN' FRUITCAKE!" Out of frustration (and anxiety--he had no idea what Xellos planned to do with/to him), he started banging his head against the back of his chair.

"Zel, you're gonna--"

The chimera's chair rocked backwards, teetered at a weird angle for a second, and fell with an echoing crash. The priest got up and looked to make sure Zel was still alive. The poor shaman lay flat on his back with his legs in the air, his eyes reduced to little black swirlies. "Oooooooh," he groaned.

"Oh, that had to hurt..."

And all at once, an evil plan sprouted in Xellos's mind--the sort of plan only a mazoku could conceive. Giving the dazed chimera a hentai smile and a pat on the behind, he said: "Worry not, Zel-chan! I'll take care of you until the poison leaves your system! We can play doctor 'till you're aaaaaaall better!"

"Hey! Don't touch me there, and don't call me--hey!" he cried as a spell lifted him up in the air. "Hey, you damned mazoku, what are you doing? What's playing doctor? Where are you taking me? Put me down, damn it all!"

Xellos created a collar and leash from midair. He snapped the collar around his victim's neck and pulled him out of the dining hall. "Don't worry so much, Zelgadis. I'll take care of everything."

"Like hell you will! Let me go!"

Xellos sang: "I am the eggman, they are the eggmen..."

"PUT ME DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!"

"I am the walrus! Goo-goo-g'choob!"

"XELL~OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!"