Cuisine: The RHPS Version
by the Princess
What is this, you ask? A not-quite-MST. I'm bored as hell right now, so I'm going through this fic and making comments a-la-Rocky Horror Picture Show fans in the theaters. Snooch to the motherfuckin' nooch. -Kat
***
Part 1-"Reservations"
~NOTES: Oops--I--did it again... I wrote another stupid fic in the dead of night! I would estimate that 99.7 of all my fanfics have been written or concieved sometime past 10:00 at night. ::happy naked goth dance:: Oh yeah, sooooo gothic. Anyhow, this fic is truly moronic... Aren't they all? it serves no purpose whatsoever... Do they ever? and stuff happens that couldn't have happened in the Slayers anime (for instance, Xellos's Marilyn Monroe impression). Of COURSE stuff happens that couldn't happen in the anime. This is a YAOI SMUT FIC, for Buddy Christ's sake! If you happen to dig that sort of insanity, feel free to vote for more; I need five before I'll continue. Oh, she's such a sucker for votes.~
***
Even on his birthday, Zelgadis was depressed. But then, when is he NOT depressed? He moped around the inn all day long, ignored his friends, and occasionally was forced to defend himself against some drunken idiot's attack. Nothing phased him. Nothing kept him from his goal of utter self-hatred...
...Except for Xellos. But of course! This is a yaoi Xel/Zel fic, after all! ^_^
The mazoku had spent his day observing the depressed chimera, a smile on his face all the while. But then, when does he NOT have a smile on his face? Not only was Zelgadis a hearty meal of negative emotions--hell, he was an all-you-can-eat mazoku buffet--he also happened to be eye candy. Xellos watched him, fed off him, and entertained forty-seven different fantasies about him. Ever looked at the number 47 with your head tilted to the right and thought hentai thoughts? Yeah, even Xel's numbers have a special perverted meaning. All in all, a self-fulfilling day.
As Xellos returned to his hotel room that night, he pondered. One would think that Zel would want to celebrate his birthday, to prove to himself that he was truly liked and accepted. But denial is so much easier...
"But denial is so much easier," he muttered as he laid down his staff. Hey there, Smiley, no more stealing my lines! "Yes... Easier, and safer. Such a shame, too. It's a tragedy that that gorgeous body must always be cloaked--a crime against the world. If I had my way, it'd be illegal for Zelgadis to wear clothes." Be patient, m'dear... wait until Part 3. ^_^
He hopped out of his robes and proceeded to levitate naked over his bed. And millions of fangirls and fanboys alike proceeded to simultaneously orgasm. "But no!" he continued talking to himself. "He has to be ashamed of his looks. I really don't see why. He needs to appreciate his own unique beauty--the luster of azure scales, the depth of slitted eyes, and an ass to kill for. Xel really knows how to ruin a moment. Even perfectly heterosexual men have found him beautiful. Like that cook we met a few months ago... Ashton? Ashcroft? I STILL don't know what that cook's name was! Whatever... Whatever. Hey, no more stealin lines, fruitcake... That reminds me, he had all that lovely dragon cuisine. I wonder if he ever cooked it?... There's an idea! I could bring Zel some dragon cuisine and use that to get him in the sack! All I'd have to do is mention his name to that cook, and he'd fork over any dragon flesh he owned!" He snapped his fingers. "Dragon cuisine and then getting him laid--sounds like a happy birthday present to me!" Aww... isn't Xel-chan so considerate?
The very bad priest teleported off, but had to return seconds later to retrieve his clothes. And that cook probably orgasmed on seeing a naked Xel, whatever the fuck that guy's name was...
***
Zelgadis locked the door and windows of his room. It had been another horrible day, much like yesterday, and probably like tomorrow. Well, with an attitude like that... He wanted nothing more than to go to sleep. And get some serious mazoku dicking... never mind, he hasn't decided that he's gay yet...
"Another birthday escaped," he mused as he put on his pajamas. They were blue footie pajamas with chibi chimeras all over them. Aww, so kawaii! Doesn't Xellos have the greatest sense of style--oh, wait, did I give something away? He hated this day more than any other. People always smiled at you and congratulated you, as if they actually cared about whether or not you were born. They couldn't resist singing to you, particularly in public, so even more people could stare at you. And no one ever gave him what he truly wanted: a cure. And the obligatory Zelgadis angst has been achieved for this section.
Thanks to the powers that be, no one in his group of friends knew it was his birthday. He'd avoided them more adroitly than usual; not even Xellos had stuck his nose in Zel's business. Oh, just wait, Zel-kun... he won't be sticking his NOSE into anything, but he'll probably wind up ramming something else into your "business". Now, he was determined to sleep, and put the whole wretched day behind him.
He lay down on his bed (carefully, so as not to break it), blew out the lantern, and snuggled down for sleep.
"Yours is a dull existence."
Zelgadis's heart twisted at the sound of a certain teasing voice. He's in love. "Leave me alone, you fruitcake." He's just an ass, that's all.
"Oh, but I haven't sung to you yet!" Now's the part where I would run.
To the chimera's horror, his footie pajamas suddenly melted off his body and re-formed into Xellos. The purple-haired priest hovered over the bed, wearing a white-sequined dress, matching high-heels, and bright red lipstick. "Happy birthday... Mr. President..." he crooned. If I ever figure out where the FUCK this came from, I'll be sure to let you know.
"XELLOS!" He launched a pillow at the fruitcake, who dodged it smoothly.
"Happy birthday... Mr. President..."
"DAMMIT, XELLOS!" He threw another pillow. It missed.
"Happy biiiiiirthday... Mr. Presideeeeeent..."
I am not blushing, Zelgadis thought. I am not blushing-- YES YOU ARE! I SEE YOU BLUSHING!
"Happy biiiiiirthday tooooooo yooooooooooooooooou!" The mazoku stopped the levitation spell and landed right on top of a very disturbed Zelgadis. "Now's the part where I fuck? kiss you, oh yeah, my bad, not 'till later Zel-chan!"
"FLARE ARROW!"
Once Xellos scraped himself off the ceiling, he replied: "That was entirely uncalled-for."
"You deserved it." The chimera wrapped his blanket around his middle and went to pick up his clothes. "How did you know it was my birthday?"
Everyone say it together now: "Sore wa himitsu desu." C'mon, like nobody knew that was what he was gonna say.
"Stupid..." He didn't finish the thought. He opened the bedroom door.
"Where are you going?"
"To get dressed."
"Well, all right, as long as you come to the dining hall afterwards." I dunno, Xel... can Zelgadis come that far? You'd know better than anyone, right?
"What the hell for?"
"To fuck like mad monkeys? dine, ::smacks self in forehead:: I keep forgetting... not yet... Zel-chan. What else?" SEX!
"Don't call me Zel-chan!" he stammered, and left the room. Is that your best witty comeback?
He had no intentions of following the priest's request, of course. Of course not... that would make everyone's life EASIER... He found one of the public bathrooms and dressed himself, then returned to his room and cuddled up once more under the sheets. Just as he was about to drift off, a voice said:
"That's very impolite of you, Zelgadis."
Damn it all... he thought as he opened his eyes. Xellos was once more hovering over the bed, naked? but in his normal attire. Ah well, there was always hope. "I'd think that entering someone's room uninvited was impolite."
"All a matter of perspective. You could at least tell me you're rejecting my invitation."
"Fine. Consider it rejected." And we all know that no really means yes...
"Alas!" He sighed as though his heart would break. "After all the trouble I went through! Reserving the entire dinner hall, retrieving the dragon cuisine, getting the finest wine available--all for you! And you won't so much as look at it! C'mon, Zel, you're not THAT cold, are you? I mean, Xel had me at "Mr. President". Ah, well. I'm sure if I woke up Lina and Gourry, they'd love the opportunity to try--"
"Dragon... cuisine?"
What is the fruitcake up to? Zel wondered. SEX!
Xellos nodded. HA! IT'S SEX! HE ADMITS IT! "Remember that cook who thought you looked like his beautiful young wife?" Who doesn't? We just can't remember his fuckin' name!
Zelgadis shuddered. "Yes."
"I popped over to his restaurant. Turns out he was cooking all that meat you guys killed for him, in hopes that you would fuck him stupid out of gratitude? return. Close enough. He was more than happy to give me some of the choicest cuts just for you." He gave his best charming smile--and he could be extremely charming when the mood took him. Oh, don't we all know it. ^_^ "It is your special day, after all."
I am not blushing, I am not blushing-- I wouldn't be too sure about that.
"Awww, Zel-chan! You're blushing!" See?
DAMN!
"Fine," he snapped. "Fine. I'll try some of this dragon cuisine... as long as you swear that you'll leave me alone after this." When he's done with you, sweetie, you won't WANT him to leave you alone.
"Why, you have my word! I swear on my demonic honor!" Very... trustworthy... o.O
As he got out of bed, Zelgadis thought: Oh, I have just gotten myself some guaranteed tail? in such deep shit... All a matter of perspective...
~TBC~
And millions of fangirls and fanboys alike proceeded to cheer in the hopes of a possible lemon.
Part 2-"Appetizers"
Because, including offline votes, I got about ten for this fic to continue... God only knows why... which makes Xellos-chan a happy camper. ||^_^|| And everyone else, too. Therefore, it's all your fault and not mine. I should be given a frickin' medal for all the writing I do late at night to please my fans... Want to see a continuation? Gimme votes! I need five to make a doorstop. See all the shameless sucking-up I do in order to get praise and applause? I'm such a digger-for-compliments. One would think everyone would be sick of it by now.~
***
Xellos dragged Zelgadis through the hotel by the ear towards the dining hall. "C'mon, it'll be fun!" he repeated over and over. Of course it will... they're going to get laid.
"Ow!" was the pissed-off chimera's reply. Whoa, I thought they weren't going to fuck until later...
Finally, Zelgadis could take no more abuse. He calls that abuse? Wait till he gets a taste of the S&M scene... He smacked away the mazoku's hand and demanded: "What exactly do you have planned for me?" SEX!
"Honestly, Zel, you're so temperamental and distrustful." Xellos waved his pointer finger in a shame-on-you gesture. "Here it is, your birthday, and I'm putting forth an effort to be kind to you! All I'm going to do is fuck you? serve you some delicious food... and then fuck you? some fine wine... And then some great sex," he added to himself. See, I KNEW sex was involved in his plan!
"What?" SEX! HE SAID GREAT SEX! WHAT ARE YOU COMPLAINING ABOUT?!
"Nothing."
"What'd you mutter?"
Let's all say it together, kids: "Sore wa himitsu desu." They reached the door leading to the dining hall. "You're such a bear, Zel-chan." Oh, now they're role-playing? Is that it?
"Shut up!"
The dining hall was big enough for a good-sized banquet. A few dozen round tables were scattered through the room, with enough space for waiters to weave between. The whole place was dark and all the tables were empty... except for one set in the corner. Several candles in silver candleholders were set up on it, as well as silverware for one. Two chairs straddled it on either side. Heh. You said "straddled".
"Xellos... Where is the food?" Despite himself, he was getting hungry. And not just for cuisine, I'd imagine...
"Patience, Zel, patience." The bad priest led his prey to the table he'd set up, sat him down, and teleported away. Seconds later, he reappeared with a bottle of blood-red wine. "Bottled around the same time the last war between the gods occurred. A good year." Sounds like it was a lousy fuckin' year to me.
Zelgadis stared disbelievingly at the wine as it was poured into his goblet.
"Now, the actual meal will be ready in a few minutes. Until then, we've got the place to ourselves." He poured himself a goblet of wine. "So... what shall we talk about?" SEX!
"Why bother talking? It's not like you'll tell me the truth." He sniffed at the wine to make sure it wasn't vinegar.
"True. But talking will pass the time. Know any good jokes?"
"No." Liar! Tell the one about Amelia! He wanted this whole ordeal to be over and done with. There was something about Xellos that made him want to strip down naked and screw that mazoku senseless? even more uncomfortable in his own skin then he already was. Oh, I see... the whole denial thing again... He risked a taste of the wine, and was surprised to find that it was intoxicatingly delicious.
"I do! You would!Would you like to hear one?"
"No."
"Why'd the chicken cross the road?"
This should be stunning. "To get to the other side," Zel replied without being able to help it.
"Ha! You're quick! But do you know why the pervert crossed the road?" Was Xellos on the other side?
"Do I want to know?"
"Probably not."
"Am I going to find out anyhow?"
"Most assuredly."
He sighed and took another drink. He needs a drink to handle the punchline? Jeez... "Why?"
"He was having sex with the chicken." I didn't know this was a crossover fic. When did my ex-boyfriend get into this fic?
Zelgadis sprayed out wine through his nose. He coughed harshly as the scent of alcohol burned his sinuses. "D-d-dammit, you fruitcake," he hacked, "you d-did that on p-purpose!" What, you think he'd manage to do something like that on accident?
Xellos was laughing as though it was Zel who had told a joke. "You would rather have been held in suspense?"
"I'd rather not have snorted wine."
"It was a new experience. You need new experiences now and again." Like a good fuck! He drank some of his wine. "C'mon, Zel. I know you know a joke. You've learned all those spells, surely a dirty tale lurks somewhere in that brain of yours?" He does! Tell the one about Amelia!
For an instant, Zelgadis drew a blank--but then, he actually had one. "OK, but if you tell anyone I told you this particular joke, I will Ra Tilt you out of existence."
Xellos made the Boy Scout gesture. "I swear." Yeah, Xel's a Boy Scout and Lina was a Brownie Scout.
"All right... Once upon a time, Prince Phil was going on a justice-seeking quest. But he was afraid that in his absence, the men of the kingdom would try to take advantage of his daughter, Amelia." Why?
"Why?" Quit stealing my lines!
"I don't know."
He laughed hard. "Go on."
"Because of this fear, he got a magical device implanted into Amelia, so that if any man tried to have sex with her, it would chop off their, um, manhood." I'm trying to picture this... and I think I just lost a few thousand neurons...
"Aw, Zel! You're blushing!"
"Shut up!"
"I'm sorry, go ahead. This is interesting."
"Then keep it down. Anyhow, Prince Phil goes on his quest and returns a year later. He summons all the men of the castle into one big room. He approaches the first and says, 'Did you try to take advantage of my daughter?' 'No, milord', the guy replies. So Prince Phil--" he paused to drink some wine "--tells him to drop his pants. He does, and they fuck? his manhood is gone. Oh, now THAT'S just NASTY! Someone actually tried to fuck Amelia?! EEEEWW! And Prince Phil pulls a Brotherly Love Smash and kills him instantly.
"Phil does the same thing to every man in the room, and every one of them is without their pride and joy. o.O A castle full of men tried to fuck Amelia? I feel faint... Finally, he reaches the last man. He asks him if he did anything to Amelia. The guy shakes his head, and drops his pants, and lo and behold, he's fully intact down there."
"No!"
"Yes! Prince Phil says, 'Thank the gods! At last, there is a truly honest man in my kingdom! Good sir, what is your name?'
"And the man replies, 'Aaaaaaoooouuu'." The original way I heard this joke was that King Arthur was going on a quest, and he wanted to protect Guenivere, the whore...
Xellos stared for fifteen seconds. "He lost his tongue," he said carefully. What else?
Zelgadis nodded, blushing a little.
The mazoku burst into laughter. He laughed so hard that he fell out of his chair and rolled on the ground, tears squeezing from his eyes. "Oh--my--gods--that--was--so--funny!" he stammered.
"Well, not that funny." Yes it was!
"I'm just trying to picture Prince Phil... and Amelia... Don't bother, I tried and it didn't work. L-sama, that's amusing!" He picked himself up from the ground. "Thank you, Zel-chan. I needed that. I didn't know they had gotten around to fucking already... when did this happen? If you'll excuse me, I need to go fetch your dinner..." Still giggling, Xellos teleported off.
"Don't call me--never mind." He stared into his more-than-half-empty goblet. This was strange. He had never told a joke to anyone before, really--let alone one that graphic. You call that graphic? Wait till Xel's done with you, then tell me about graphic, hon. ^_^ The damned mazoku made him feel so horny? uneasy and unsure with his teasing... That, too... And somehow, he could also make Zelgadis feel completely at home. Maybe it was the wine.
Yeah... the wine... he thought. And my cock... he added.
Xellos returned laden with trays of food. It was more than Zelgadis could possibly eat in one sitting. As the chimera's slitted eyes scanned the dishes that Xellos sat before him, he fought the urge to drool. Ah, but was he drooling over Xellos or the food? 'Tis like Tootsie Roll Pops... the world may never know... Dragon sushi... dragon parmesan... dragon fillets... dragon kabobs... dragon Marcela... pepper dragon-steak... kung-pao dragon... and wontons and eggrolls full of dragon meat, to top it all off. "That smells divine," he said.
"Tastes that way too, I'm sure." After ridding himself of the trays, he sat down and gestured at Zelgadis. "Well? Don't be stupid, go ahead and take off those pants and lay spread-eagled on the table to give me better access? eat!" I like my version better.
The chimera felt a little guilty about not being able to share with Xellos, until he reminded himself that mazoku prefer sex? human misery bullshit, everyone likes sex! to dragon cuisine. He picked up one of the kabobs, pulled a piece of dragon off it, and put it in his mouth.
Xellos watched intently as the shaman's eyes popped wide open. He's never had anything this good before, he thought. Of course not--you haven't gotten him in bed yet! He watched as the chimera closed his eyes in simple ecstasy. He looked so... so stunned and pleased... it was starting to turn Xellos on. But then, when is he NOT turned on--at least, in this fic? When Zelgadis flicked his tongue out to catch any crumbs on his lips, Xellos had to shove his entire fist into his mouth to keep from screaming. And so did millions of fangirls and fanboys alike.
Zel opened one eye curiously. "Are you all right?" Don't mind Xel, he's just horny as all hell...
"Perfectly!" Since he was talking around his fist, it sounded like: "Her-heg-hee!"
"Why are you biting your fist?"
He removed it. And what is his response? "Sore wa himitsu desu. Of course it is! So what do you think of dragon meat? Is it too tough for you?"
"Are you joking? This is the most delicious thing I've ever put in my mouth."
"Yeah, well, I haven't gotten you in bed yet." Yes, to our collective disappointment.
"Huh?"
"Not a thing."
"Is there any dessert?"
"Yeah, a big hunk of man-meat!" MEAT POPSICLES FOR ALL! BOONDAJA!
"What?"
"Uh... I said... There isn't any."
"That doesn't sound like what you said." HE SAID SEX! WHY ARE YOU BITCHING?!
"Have some more wine, Zel-chan," he said, pouring more into the other man's goblet.
"Don't call me that!
***
Notwithstanding his teasing--or because of it--Xellos was a charming host. How fuckin' charming can he be? I mean, Zel still has all his clothes on! He told stories dirty? ridiculous enough Curses!to keep Zelgadis laughing, although the chimera didn't want to. Zel stoically ate and listened, each time telling himself he wouldn't react to the nonsensical (and usually perverted) endings to Xel's stories, and each time failing flat on his face.
After the tale about Gourry, hockey, Zambinos and a swan, This story actually exists. Jill told it to me once. Instead of Gourry, the main character was Ralph the Plumber. The circumstances of this story are explained in a future section of my Trigun fic "Possessed Computers". ::points at the shameless advertisement:: Zelgadis finally finished his meal. He kicked back in his chair, a look of utter contentment on his face, his eyes closed. He looked so pretty in the candlelight... The mazoku barely kept from climbing over the table and fucking Zel blind. We feel your pain, Xel...
Without moving or opening his eyes, Zelgadis said: "I have to fuck you right now or I'll go mad? hand it to you, Xellos. Ah, spoilsport... I thought you had some sort of sex toy? prank in store for me. I was convinced that the instant I walked in here, everyone would crowd around and start a massive, earth-shaking orgy? singing Happy Birthday. Or that you were going to drug my food and do unspeakable things to me--" Not yet, not yet--oh, wait, did I just give something away?
"Why didn't I think of that?!" Xel berated himself. You didn't need to--I did. ^_^
"What?"
And let's say it once more: "Sore wa--"
"Himitsu desu, I know. It sure is predictable enough. But I've actually enjoyed myself tonight. The food SEX! was fantastic, and you've been normal...SEXY! well, sort of... all evening. This is the best birthday I've ever suffered through."
"Glad you liked it."
"In fact, there's just one problem."
"What?"
"I can't move."
"What?!" Here's one NOBODY saw coming... ^_^
"I can't move. I can't get out of my chair. I can move my neck a little, but other than that, I don't think I can even move a finger." His eyes snapped open. "What did you do to me, you fruitcake?" Nothing. Why? Do you think he should? I'm sure he's willing.
"I haven't done a thing!" he protested. Yet. Then he recalled something the cook had mentioned. "Oh, wait, the meat was supposed to simmer for another month... Some of the paralyzing poison in the flesh might have lingered." He suddenly noticed that Zelgadis's eyes were glowing an interesting shade of crimson. He sweatdropped and put on his best charming smile. "Uh, heh-heh-heh... Oops?" I don't know if that's gonna work this time, Xel-chan...
"'OOPS'?!" Zelgadis thundered. Nope, won't work. Plates and silverware rattled on the table. "YOU PARALYZE ME AND YOU SAY 'OOPS'?! THIS IS A LITTLE MORE IMPORTANT THAN 'OOPS', YOU GODDAM MAZOKU!!"
"I'm sorry! I completely forgot about it! Besides, I thought you'd be tough enough to process the poison--"
"YOU KNEW! YOU PLANNED THIS! I CAN'T BELIEVE I ACTUALLY TRUSTED YOU! FUCKIN' FRUITCAKE!" Out of frustration (and anxiety--he had no idea what Xellos planned to do with/to him It'll be fun, we promise!), he started banging his head against the back of his chair. And if I didn't know which head I was talking about...
"Zel, you're gonna--"
The chimera's chair rocked backwards, teetered at a weird angle for a second, and fell with an echoing crash. The priest got up and looked to make sure Zel was still alive. The poor shaman lay flat on his back with his legs in the air, his eyes reduced to little black swirlies. "Oooooooh," he groaned.
"Oh, that had to hurt..." Nah, I'm sure it was just a pleasant tingle.
And all at once, an evil plan sprouted in Xellos's mind--the sort of plan only a mazoku could conceive. Or a horny, lonely fic-writer with no boyfriend and no life, who has nothing better to do with her time than make little bishounen puppets fuck each other. Giving the dazed chimera a hentai smile and a pat on the behind, he said: "Worry not, Zel-chan! I'll take care of you until the poison leaves your system! We can play doctor 'till you're aaaaaaall better!" Whee! My favorite game!
"Hey! Don't touch me there, and don't call me--hey!" he cried as a spell lifted him up in the air. "Hey, you damned mazoku, what are you doing? What's playing doctor? I'm sure you'll find out soon enough. Where are you taking me? Put me down, damn it all!"
Xellos created a collar and leash from midair. He snapped the collar around his victim's neck and pulled him out of the dining hall. "Don't worry so much, Zelgadis. I'll take care of everything."
"Like hell you will! Let me go!"
Xellos sang: "I am the eggman, they are the eggmen..." "I Am The Walrus", by The Beatles. Huzzah.
"PUT ME DOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOWN!" He ain't putting you down, no matter HOW many O's you add on to the word "down".
"I am the walrus! Goo-goo-g'choob!"
"XELL~OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOS!!" ...Or the world "Xellos", for that matter.
TBC
And the fan-people wept in anticipation of a lemon...
***
Part 3-"The Main Course" Heh.
(aka "Playing Doctor") Double heh.
**NOTES: You wanted a romantic Xellos? Sure, why not? You wanted more senseless comedy? Sure, it's what you do best. You wanted a lemon? o.O I don't know... you've never done that before. You got it! YAAAAAAY! (Although not necessarily in that order... >P) Never trust an author who inserts evil smileys with their tongues sticking out.
Now, then... In response to the reviewer who begged me to send someone to save Zelgadis... Sorry, babes, but he was fucked from the get-go. And there was much rejoicing. In response to the readers who won't read this story solely because of yaoi content... Suck my left toenail, you dendrophiliacs. What a great word. In response to the people who will read this and flame me for putting Xellos and Zelgadis in bed together... ::extends middle finger for viewing:: Oh, look at me! I'm so clever! Aren't I special? And in response to those who encouraged me to continue with this tale... Doomo arigatou and aishiteru! Of course I say that... what, do you think I'd flip off the people who actually LIKE the story? ^_~V This is for Courtney, because she lent me money so I could get food at the mall... This is true. I told her that, if she gave me a couple of dollars so I could eat, then I would dedicate the next part of "Cuisine" to her. And that it would be lemony. So thank her.**
Feeling nervous and pitiful and depressed, Zelgadis gave up screaming. In yaoi fics, no one can hear you scream. If he woke everyone else up with his yelling, and they asked what he and Xellos were doing... They would all want to watch! he shuddered inside. The fact that the priest was floating him back to his room and dragging him by a dog collar and leash was turning him on? bound to make the others ask some questions... "Can we join in?" hell, it made him ask some questions. "How fast can we get to your bedroom, Xellos?"
Trying hard to keep himself from shrieking like a girl, he said: "Take me back to my room, you fr--" Yet another predictable line. Jesus, you'd think this author would have a modicum of creativity.
"I know, I know!" Xellos cheerfully nodded. "I'll take you to your room, put you in bed, and then return to my own room. I promise not to touch you after I leave you there. Pay attention to the rest of the fic... He technically doesn't break this promise. Deal?"
"What about before we get there?"
The naughty priest gave him a pinch on the rear. Don't we love our naughty priests? "Nothing from now on." "Nobody dies!" BLAM! "From now on!"
Zelgadis squeaked. "Just shut up, take me to my room, and keep your damn hands off me!" Whatever you say, George McFly.
"Oh, you're such a perfect specimin of manhood? So dominant? worrywart," True. the mazoku said airily, giving Zel a tug on his dick? the leash. You're no fun, Xel! "You need to relax." Still, he shut up, leaving the shaman to his (probably so filthy that they cannot be discussed in print) thoughts.
What is he going to do to me? FUCK YOU BLACK AND BLUE! Is he really going to leave me alone? NOT A CHANCE IN HELL! Could I stop him if he stayed?... YOU WON'T WANT TO! No, I need my hands to work my magic, and I can't move. AND AFTER YOU START MOVING, YOUR HANDS'LL BE COMPLETELY OCCUPIED! What if I'm completely defenseless and... Don't worry, Zel, he waits until you can move--oh, wait, did I just give away something again? He turned red and tilted his head back to keep the blood in his nose.
What if I like it? Sounds like you like it already.
He blinked rapidly. No, I did not just think that... YES YOU DID! I SAW YOU THINKING!
"Here we are!" Xellos said, opening the door of the other man's room. "I'll just tuck you into bed and leave you be..." Oh yeah, and I'm Shabranigdo-sama, however the fuck you spell that. He undid the dog collar and tucked it into his robe because you never know when a dog collar might come in handy!, then levitated Zel over the bed and released him.
"Xellos, not so--"
CRASH!
"Uh-oh," Xel observed.
Zelgadis's body had dropped like--well, like a stone--and broke the bed in half. The pissed-off chimera lay in a pile of stuffing, springs, sheets, and splintered planks. Oooo, alliteration! Quaint! He looked mad enough to set the ruins of his bed (and a certain priest, most likely) on fire using nothing but his evil glare. Not that Xellos wouldn't enjoy that immensely... "--fast," he growled, completing his sentence. And if we didn't know he was talking about being dropped on the bed... "If you have anything you'd like to tell the others, you'd best do it tonight. I'm going to fuck you until your physical form collapses from sheer pleasure? kill you in the morning. Damn!"
"You can try," Xel replied, smiling. "But I can't just leave you here, laying in a pile of kindling... If you did, we wouldn't have a fic. I know! How about you stay in my room tonight? Oh, he planned this one out. We love our Xel-chan, he of the evil plans and broken beds..."
"How about I bite your head off?" Sounds kinky.
"There'll be plenty of time for kinkiness later. Took the words right out of my mouth. Honestly, Zel-chan, can't we get to know each other first?" He doesn't give Zel a break, does he?
"What? What are you--NO!" Little slow on the up-take there, Zel. He struggled fruitlessly as Xellos once again levitated his paralyzed body. Technically, it's not fruitless... he's got a whole fruitcake right there. ^_^ "No kinkiness! No--ah, shit..." He gave up as his stone carcass was floated out the door. "Gods, give me strength... because I have a feeling that by tomorrow I'm going to be utterly exhausted, not to mention sore below the waist..."
Once inside Xellos's room, Zelgadis was lowered onto the bed. The priest quickly tucked the blankets around the shaman and fluffed his pillows a little. Look! Xel's a fluffer! Once he assured himself that Zel was comfortable, he tucked his staff into Zel's--oh, I'm not even going to bother... under the bed and started to shed his clothing. Sure took him long enough.
"What do you think you're doing?" Zel asked. Let's think about this for a moment...
"Getting ready for some hot chimera lovin'? bed." DAMMIT!
"I... thought mazoku don't sleep," he said, getting nervous.
"Oh, we don't. But we do need periods of hot chimera lovin', goddammit! EVERYONE needs some of that! relaxation and mediation." Now free of his outer robes, he removed his shirt. And millions of fangirls and fanboys alike ran for their various masturbation tools. As it dropped to the floor, Zel found himself gazing at Xel's perfect body... Who wouldn't?! but the mazoku continued to chatter, not noticing the attention he was getting. Right. Uh-huh. And Rob Zombie is Dilbert in disguise. "Even I need a little sex? rest every now and then... It helps to--Zelgadis, do you have a nosebleed?"
The chimera was attempting to bury his head in his pillow. And if I wasn't reasonably sure about which head I was talking about... "NO!" he yelled, his voice muffled. LIAR! I SEE THE BLOOD!
Xellos felt a little thrill. He never thought he could elicit such a reaction from the cold-hearted chimera... Oh, bullshit, he knows he can get that reaction from anybody. "You are! You're such a little ecchi! You know you like it! I am shocked and appalled at your behavior!" More bullshit.
"Noooooooo!" Um, Zel, I thought I told you this once... adding "o"s to words isn't going to win any arguments.
"For shame, Zelgadis!" He sat down on the bed and used a corner of the sheets to wipe the blood from Zel's nose. Aw, isn't he sweet? "There, all the evidence is gone. Don't worry, your secret's safe with me!" Seriously...
"Fruitcake--" Zelgadis started.
Xellos abruptly wiggled under the sheets. He wrapped his arms around Zelgadis's waist, entwined his legs with the chimera's, and lay there directly on top of him, staring into his eyes. NOW we're getting somewhere!
For a moment, Zel believed that he was going to orgasm? explode. Same thing. When he found his voice (and his rationality) again, he stammered: "What... are you... doing?!" "Getting the urge to fuck you... why?"
"Getting comfortable." The smile on Xellos's face was wistful. "Can't meditate while I'm uncomfortable, can I?"
"And I can't sleep with a damned mazoku lying on top of me!" We know he's a mazoku! Why must you continually bring that up like it's a bad thing? For that matter, who said anything about sleep?!
"Why? Does my body distract you that much?"
Yes. "NO!" Oh, yeah, the whole denial thing...Zelgadis was beyond blushing; he skipped over red, and instead turned purple. He turns just about every color in the rainbow in this stupid fic. "But it's hard to sleep with someone leeching all over you!" You're the only person here with sleep on his mind, Zel.
"You'll get used to it. It just takes some practice." The evil priest snuggled against Zel's chest. "You don't get touched very often, do you?"
Zelgadis didn't respond. If he ignored the purple-haired baka, maybe he'd go away... I sincerely doubt that. He firmly shut his eyes and didn't move. Of COURSE not! He's been paralyzed!
"Zelgadis? Zelgadis? Zel? Zel? Zel? Zel? Is you asleep, Zel-chan?" He flicked at one of the scales on the chimera's face. Still getting no response, he tilted his head up and gave Zelgadis a short, chaste kiss on the lips. Aww, why'd it have to be chaste? Chastity is so overrated... Zel's eyes immediately went wide, and he made a "MMPH!" noise against Xellos's mouth. Looks like that got his attention.
Xel pulled away, that wistful smile back in place. "Just making sure you didn't fall asleep on me. Are you going to answer my question?"
"No."
"Why not?"
"Because I'd rather get laid? you'll mock me and use it against me somehow." Would you just give up and fuck him already!
"No. I won't." There was conviction in his voice that could not be refuted. "I'm good at keeping secrets."
Zelgadis sighed. Ignoring Xellos was like taking a piss in the ocean; it didn't make a damn bit of difference and wouldn't stop the tide. But every little bit helps, as the old woman said when she pissed in the sea. Actual British saying... British people are fun. "No, I'm not."
"I don't see why that should be so."
He snorted. "Don't you? You must need glasses."
"You're not ugly, Zelgadis. There are quite a few people who would be glad to touch you, if you only let them..."
"And how do I know that? No one ever tells me anything of the sort."
"That's because you hide among the shadows of life and give hell to anyone who disturbs your loneliness. For instance, Amelia would gladly haul up her skirt and spread her legs for you, if you only asked." And the obligatory "Xel convincing Zel that he's actually sexy" conversation has been achieved.
Zelgadis nearly choked on his own tongue. "Do you have to be so vulgar?" he groaned, trying not to laugh. What's the fun in not being vulgar?
"Admit it, that was funny."
"Yes, but it doesn't prove that you have any point..."
Xellos started teasing a few wire strands of Zel's hair. "And what would?"
"Let me see the truth in your eyes." Oh, so profound... ::rolls her eyes::
He stopped. He stared at the chimera for a long moment... and slowly opened his eyes.
Violet peered into black for an endless moment of time. Don't ask me why, but for a while, I thought that Zelgadis had black eyes. That's why this line turned out like it did. I now know that they're blue, but I never got around to changing the line.
"I have been alive for over a thousand years," Xellos whispered. "And I have yet to find a being more beautiful than you." Oh, cripes, I thought we were over the "Xel convincing Zel that he's actually sexy" part!
Zelgadis felt his heart wrench. The boy's in love! "Xellos--" "Can we screw now?"
"Shut up or you'll ruin the moment," Like you haven't been spoiling Deep, Meaningful Moments throughout the course of this story. the priest said, and kissed him. FINALLY! At first, Zel resisted, "at first" being the key term here. but suddenly relaxed into the kiss and returned it with fire. Oooo! Metaphors and sex! Yeehaw! The mazoku thoroughly worked over Zel's mouth, exploring it fully with his tongue. Both were gasping for air by the time their lips parted, and they stared into each other's eyes, as if in shock. I might just collapse from the corniness... or from the blood loss I'm about to endure...
"Are you going to leave me alone now?" Zelgadis pleaded one last time, although his eyes told of a different desire. And his eyes said, "Fuck me NOW!"
"No," Xellos replied softly. 'Course not! Where would all the fanchildren be without their lemon?
"Good," he whispered, closing his eyes. ::collapses and twitches a little::
Xellos gave him another long, heated kiss, which he abruptly broke to start kissing his way down Zel's neck. He gave Zel a good, hard bite on the neck that earned him a groan from the other man. And one of the author's fetishes makes it into the fic... When he reached the collar of Zelgadis's shirt, he simply ripped the garment off the other man's body. Zelgadis Greywords goes through more clothes in yaoi fics than any other anime character in existence. Moving further down, he ran his tongue over the chimera's collarbone, then kissed his way down to the chest and latched his teeth onto one of Zel's nipples. Wait, wouldn't that hurt?
Zelgadis's body wanted to arch, and his hips wanted to thrust, but they remained immobile. Stupid paralyzation... He gasped as waves of new sensations radiated from wherever Xel's hands and mouth strayed. Guess it didn't hurt. He was starting to feel a tightness wind up inside his body, a feeling of hot pleasure that was about to kill him. Or maybe it did.
Xellos moved lower still, kissing, licking, grazing with his nails and his teeth. In one fluid motion, he relieved Zelgadis of his pants. Heh... a fluid motion... The chimera was crying out his name, begging him to hurry up and finish. Um, would Zelgadis even be coherent enough to utter a complete sentence? Oh, wait, this is some more of that metaphorical horseshit. The mazoku traced down Zel's lower abdomen with his lips until he reached his final destination. Zelgadis's Penis, the Final Frontier... With the utmost of care, he took Zelgadis into his mouth. I TOLD you Xellos was considerate!
This time, Zel didn't groan; he screamed. And so did millions of fangirls and fanboys alike, as they all dropped their various mastubatory devices and orgasmed. He threw back his head and cried out Xellos's name loud enough to wake the entire hotel. Yet no one wakes up... This was too much, the world was fire and he was going to burn to death-- Again, these metaphors! What the hell!
--And then, seconds from his climax, Xellos released him. Here's another one nobody saw coming. ^_~ The purple-haired priest sat up, stretched, yawned, and lay down next to Zelgadis. Need I remind you? Xellos is an evil priest.
The chimera stared at him in shock and broken lust. "WHY THE HELL ARE YOU STOPPING?!" You've got to pity Zel...
"Well, you've been telling me to stop and leave you alone the entire evening," Xellos said cheerfully. "I decided that I should listen to you. After all, it is your birthday. Oh, you are SO evil... will you go steady with me? Good night!" He rolled over and snuggled down into the sheets.
Zelgadis looked down at his erection? the evidence of his unsatisfaction, same difference! and burst into tears. Aww, poor baby... don't worry, Xellos will make it feel all better--damn, I think I just gave something else away...
~TBC~
And those oft-mentioned fangirls and fanboys cursed my name and begged for more, and I rejoiced in my evil power over people's sex drives. ^_^
Part 4-"Dessert"
~NOTES: This is for all of my recent flamers... get over yourselves. I wasn't getting many flames for this story... but at this point in time, I was getting a lot of flames in general. It just so happened that this was the only story I was putting any effort into at the time, so this rant naturally turned up in here, and should be ignored... Do you really think that your worthless, narrow-minded, bigoted, ignorant, hateful, venomous, and crude words are going to stop me? Oooo, she knows how to use a thesaurus! This is indeed a force to be reckoned with! Yare yare, I've got too many fans ::waves at three people wearing "PoP" T-shirts:: to stop me now. At the time, they were Chibi Jaime, Jill, and Courtney... there are a couple more... ::waves at Rin, Steve, Rob, Xellina, Zoey, and Bishounen no Miko:: And even if I didn't, well, I'd still write. Liar! You're a review whore and you know it! Besides all of this, at least I have the (pardon the expression) balls to post my own email address. Why? This should be amusing. Because I know that I can at least support my own opinions. Most of you flamers have no basis for the poison that you spew so thoughtlessly, and you know it; therefore, you won't sign your real names, nor will you provide an email address. Oh, Christ, she's getting metaphorical again... ::ducks:: And this is the last bit of space I will waste in a fic's notes talking about something so pointless as a flamer. Bullshit. Promise. ^_~
This extra-long section is dedicated to Jordan, Jill's boyfriend, who has officially been razed. Don't worry, Jill, I didn't damage him... badly.
If you wanna see more craziness, I'm gonna ask for 15 continuation votes (I consider all non-flaming reviews to be a vote, btw). Also, if you'd like to see Cuisine outtakes/author's footnotes, feel free to ask for 'em! Those will take a mere five for me to get done! And here they are! ^_^~
***
Zelgadis looked down at the evidence of his unsatisfaction, and burst into tears. Haven't we seen this already?
This is all I have... gomen... ::ducks::